Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.