I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
You Might Also Like
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.