Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Yup.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips