@KimmyMonte: Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates
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@EliTerry: you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
@MarfSalvador: [My band playing on stage] New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
@JohnLyonTweets: Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.