@KimmyMonte: Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates
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@simoncholland: Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
@ieatanddrink: My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
@Jamie1947: Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear. "That's incredible", he says "When did I record this?"