I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head