My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
*checks Timeline*…
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You know…for fall…
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]