@NakedWhiteAss: Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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@FussySaffa: When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.
@highinamerica: Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.
@HeyZeus666: I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.