@NakedWhiteAss: Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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@KevinFarzad: People are often shocked when I tell them I'm single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.
@jenyb4: Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning. My dreams have come true.
@Contwixt: In truth, spiders are harmless* *Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
@DiamondLou69: Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.