Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
True
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.