@mrtruthandsoul: Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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@SamuelHLowe: You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.
@TheMichaelRock: Caller: Is Mr. Rock available? Me: Yeah, hold on. *hands phone to 5yo* Me: It's grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
@Michael_Erhart: "I'd like to raise a toast." *Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
@Jake_Vig: My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.