Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.