@Travon: "Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre-- never mind" - Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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@squirrel74wkgn: My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
@AndrewChamings: Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
@treydayway: I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.