“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*