“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Going into Monday like
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store