One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it