Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Oh boy, $150,000!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement