Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money