I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
They’re really bad with fonts.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Guys, I found it.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!