I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.