Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
You saw nothing. I am ham.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]