HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
You Might Also Like
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
new wife guy just dropped
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.