Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
No, I don’t think I will.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!