Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
You Might Also Like
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?