Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Yoga Matt
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice