Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated