@TheGladStork: "Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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@Squeeb_Slayer: Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper "I'd never do that to you"
@novicefather: Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.
@avaricious1: I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.
@pleatedjeans: [house being raided] [swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]