Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
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Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I get distracted pretty eas