@tastefactory: Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I'm trying to watch this with my mom
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@2questionable: Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you're both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won't go to sleep.
@PaulyPeligroso: Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face?
@iwearaonesie: If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling "It's over here you idiot!"