Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
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A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Are these grass-fed oranges?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend