[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
What the hell is going on?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.