I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.