Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.