-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down