me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Who knew!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”