Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.