Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Just this preview of the story is enough
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…