“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
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me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice