HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Tough love is true love
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?