[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am