my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd