passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.