The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
listen closely
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
The sacred texts.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time