deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
You Might Also Like
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
But I really needed water water water
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me as a therapist: omg same
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea