Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.