Just a reminder, folks:
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore