Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”