Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for