Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
You Might Also Like
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”