@AGreaterMonster: This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@topaz_kell: According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

@forrrestfire: Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

@AndrewsNotFunny: I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@Parentpains: Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.