hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.