@koalaslament: [on a date] *showing her pics of my pet lizards* ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth" HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"

@Shock_Monster: If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain. Feel free to say, "Oh John" next time you're cumming ladies.

@causticbob: I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

@jwomackou: [spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

@infamousone96: You tell me to "walk a mile in your shoes" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.