@illuminatedwndr: hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it 'No Filter', go with a filter next time. serious
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Me: (swish, swish, swish) Wife: Me: (swish, swish, swish) Wife: Me: (swish, swish, swish) Wife: I hate your corduroys
@ibid78: *opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead* If you're here then.. [cut to kid bursting through a wall like 'oh yeah']
@ArfMeasures: ME: *making tiny wigs for birds* BALD EAGLE: finally
@ThePocketJustin: It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
@ImFunnyMang: And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.
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