@koalaslament: [on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth"
HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"
@Shock_Monster: If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain.
Feel free to say, "Oh John" next time you're cumming ladies.
@causticbob: I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
@jwomackou: [spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is "asterisk"
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
@infamousone96: You tell me to "walk a mile in your shoes" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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