Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.