Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Good morning, Twitter x
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready