Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?