@GarrettCake: HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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@chairmanMAO_92: This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead
@mrtruthandsoul: *breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
@sara_ashlynn: My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can't wait to do this to my kids.
@ItsAndyRyan: "The N stands for number – so no need to say 'PIN number'. "Terribly sorry, I'll start again: 'You're dead if you don't give me your PIN'.