Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Storm Tropical Storm
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”