Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.